Doubt

Yesterday we ran.

Yesterday we argued.

Yesterday we learned. 

Yesterday we grew.

Yesterday we got together to run with our good friend and former running coach Ryan Caturan. It was very exciting because he is one of our biggest supporters and has helped us with training and encouragement all along. It was also exciting because he was here with us last year and this was our first run together since my disappointing attempt last year.

Ryan is someone who really has helped me to believe in myself. Chris Coons is the one who put the running bug in my shoes and convinced me I not just could but should run a marathon. Ryan really has showed me in a lot of ways how, and made me believe it can be more than just guts and will but if properly prepared for an enjoyable experience. At least that's the idea he's sold me because I haven't quite followed through yet.

Last year didn't turn out the way either Andre or myself had hoped. There was a great start but there were injuries that broke up the training. I ended up dropping out of the 2011 Chicago Marathon at mile 21 because of an injury. Andre willed himself to a self-proclaimed disappointing finish. He had also injured himself while training that year.

I'd like to say, "Injuries happen and great effort," But the truth is, it really wasn't a great effort. We trained and did make great efforts but was it the best we could do? Did we give it our best effort? The honest answer always comes back, NO! That doesn't sit well with either of us. I know I can will myself to endure almost anything but that isn't the same. That was not the goal. The goal for me was to run that marathon well, better than the one I forced my way through. I didn't want to just survive, the goal was to thrive.

 I let myself down.The injuries gave me excuses. I took them. I drank too much, I drank late into the night before the marathon. I trained better than the previous marathon bur obviously didn't take it serious. We had reasons we missed training days. We made up missed days. I worked out hungover. I ran my 22 mile run and I really did make an effort to get back on track but the resounding truth was I didn't take it serious and that's why on race day I came up short.

A marathon is something 99% of people will never finish. In 2011 William Caviness, a firefighter from North Carolina, a father of two, and a veteran marathoner, died during his attempt to finish the Chicago Marathon. This was a man who took it serious, trained, was ready, and died. I had been out the night before drinking past 2 a.m. I won't make excuses. I didn't finish because I didn't take this dangerous endeavor serious. I am determined not to make this mistake again. I am determined to correct this flaw in my character. I will train better, more serious, and smarter.

As i thought about my run yesterday and tried to understand what happened. Andre and I argued about our effort. Andre told me I've been half-assing it and questioned my effort and I felt at the time my heart. He said I hadn't had one good workout yet and hadn't ever even broke a sweat. I was angry. I walked off the trail twice and told him he needs to do it by himself. We yelled at each other while we ran our whole run. And we ran our whole run. We finished strong like we always do except I stopped just before the finish line as if to say as I walked across, "EFF YOU! Don't ever question my heart!" I think I did say something along those lines. I was mad and we talked it out and agree he's not gonna baby me and I won't coddle him. We have yelled at each other before and will again. We always talk trash. We always will. Andre is a competitive jerk and I'm hard  headed. I thought later why did I get so angry this time? Why did he get so angry this time?

As i reflected later and now as a write this, this is what I came up with. The answer is doubt. Last year left us both wondering what if we had REALLY trained for that marathon. This year as we train we've already missed days. I think Andre may have been expressing his own self-doubts about the effort we are making. I think I reacted the way I did because I'm also struggling with doubt. DOUBT is dangerous. I have no doubt we've been working hard. I've no doubt there is room for improvement. We can improve our effort, our diet, our knowledge, our commitment, but also our self-confidence.

Doubt can lead to all kinds of things though I fear little positive. Doubt leads to fear. If you let it, doubt can become your excuse for quitting. If you doubt your effort, you may try to overcompensate and end up injured or burnt out. We both really did hurt ourselves and the doubt that comes with that may cause you to hold back for fear of re-injuring yourself. Doubt and fear can be paralyzing. I think it is good to question yourself and to question yourself often. Doubt can cause you to not be honest with yourself.  It can cloud your judgement. I think what Andre and I were both saying to each other is "I'm afraid I'm not really doing it right this time either. I feel like we can do this better." We were doubting ourselves. We also were right to question ourselves.

The positive thing is when you can step away from the doubt and honestly answer the questions you have raised. Yes, we are working hard. No, we aren't doing everything we can, yet. Yes, this isn't going to progress as quickly as we like. No, we haven't shown sufficient commitment. Yes, the answer is that we need to be flexible in our schedules, ask for more advice and do more research. Yes, there is more work to be done, a lot. The BIGGEST yes is, YES, we are out there and we are doing a great job. YES, we will train harder, smarter, and we will not make excuses, accept excuses, and we will be better runners, better men, and better people.

click here to read about William Caviness. http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2011/10/09/fireman-from-n-c-dies-running-chicago-marathon/ http://www.facebook.com/captainwillcaviness?sk=wall